Just Joking!

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

feeds@yuku.com (adougfan) — Tue, 20 Jan 2009 15:50:54 GMT

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

For high blood pressure suffers - simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit...

I'm Boobie Chickentush

feeds@yuku.com (adougfan) — Sat, 28 Apr 2007 08:41:32 GMT

The following is excerpted from a children's book, Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces every one to assume new names...

Follow the instructions to find your new name.

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first name:
a = snickle
b = doombah
c = goober
d = cheesey
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = dumbo
h = farcus
i = dorky
j = doofus
k...

Things Mother Taught Me

feeds@yuku.com (adougfan) — Sat, 28 Apr 2007 08:32:49 GMT

Things Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so,...

Hillbilly Christmas Gift

feeds@yuku.com (adougfan) — Fri, 08 Dec 2006 11:58:10 GMT

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin'
marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open...

Five Surgeons

feeds@yuku.com (tioga1) — Fri, 14 Jul 2006 08:18:26 GMT

Five Surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.

The first surgeon says: "I like to see accountants on my operating table,
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds: "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything
inside them is in alphabetical...

WHAT DO RETIRED PEOPLE DO ALL DAY?

feeds@yuku.com (tioga1) — Mon, 27 Feb 2006 16:05:47 GMT

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make
their days interesting.

Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a
shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes; when I came out there
was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and
said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and...

Another Blonde Joke (an old one, but still funny!)

feeds@yuku.com (tioga1) — Mon, 20 Feb 2006 12:10:09 GMT

A blonde decided one day that she was sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decided to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband was off at work, she took it upon herself to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband left for work, she got down to the task at hand. Her husband arrived home at 5:30 and smelt the distinctive smell of paint. He walked into the living room only...

Math of life

feeds@yuku.com (adougfan) — Fri, 03 Feb 2006 09:03:10 GMT

Romance Mathematics

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________

Office Arithmetic

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee =...

Politically Correct...

feeds@yuku.com (tioga1) — Thu, 02 Feb 2006 10:50:17 GMT

How to speak about Women and be Politically Correct

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR...

Winter Classes For Men

feeds@yuku.com (adougfan) — Mon, 16 Jan 2006 08:19:32 GMT

Winter Classes For Men At The Learning Center For Adults

Registration must be completed by next Monday, Jan. 16, 2006
Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of thier contents, class sizes will be limited to 8 participants maxium.

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change...

One gift not to give your wife

feeds@yuku.com (tioga1) — Wed, 11 Jan 2006 10:27:01 GMT

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway
for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for this Saturday.

"You're an A@#hole" Song

feeds@yuku.com (tioga1) — Mon, 09 Jan 2006 17:51:22 GMT

Listen and watch the A@#hole Bush song.

filmstripinternational.com/

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The Painting...

feeds@yuku.com (tioga1) — Tue, 22 Nov 2005 16:20:39 GMT

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery was
staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting
depicted three very black, totally naked men sitting on a bench. Two
of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink
penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for
nearly half an hour explaining how it...

A Woman's Poem

feeds@yuku.com (tioga1) — Tue, 22 Nov 2005 15:25:47 GMT

A Woman's Poem

He didn't like the casserole...

And he didn't like my cake.

My biscuits were too hard...

Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right.

He didn't like the stew.

I didn't mend his socks...

The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer, I was...

A Cowboy's Wish

feeds@yuku.com (tioga1) — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 10:53:12 GMT

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without
water. His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath,
when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards
ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to
be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary...

Be careful what you wish for...

feeds@yuku.com (tioga1) — Mon, 12 Sep 2005 14:10:36 GMT

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The man says,
"A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,
"What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
$9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
change for payment.

The...

William Shatner Sings (video)

feeds@yuku.com (Vomit Pig) — Tue, 30 Aug 2005 13:12:17 GMT

these are classic I think..I've had the mp3's of them for years
but never had the joy to actually see him sing Rocketman.
it brings a tear to my eye..its the apex of entertainment.
the other link is some video someone made of him doing the
Beatles classic - Lucy in the sky with Diamonds.
Not only was captain Kirk a good captain, but a good lounge singer as well.....who knew

Sex For Protection

feeds@yuku.com (tioga1) — Mon, 29 Aug 2005 17:12:55 GMT

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't...

God created kids

feeds@yuku.com (MikiJayne) — Thu, 25 Aug 2005 05:59:32 GMT

GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
...

Are you a child of the 1970's or the 1980's?

feeds@yuku.com (tioga1) — Wed, 24 Aug 2005 08:31:10 GMT

Check out this web site!

www.childhoodsite.com/

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